For Jeff Timmons when he needs to remember he is loved!!!!

Hey my sweetie pie for Life,



It's Kelsie or Kelly when it comes to you, I am cool when you call me either one. I have been wanting to write this for hours ever since I read your blog at work today. I had to wait until now since I was at work, and could not write it until now. Your blog today made me cry only because you wrote honestly from your heart and your soul, and you could tell right away, but also because it is describing a lot of what I am going through too right now.



See, you know some of it but as quick as I can here it goes. At an age when most people go and begin their lives in their 20's, I made a different decision, one that still today I do not regret, when I was about 24, my dad and my uncle who lived with us at the same time both got sick, and while a lot of 24 year old were out figuring out their lives and stuff which I was doing up until that point. I put it on hold and became a caregiver at night when I came home from work with my mom. I was that person until my dad went home to heaven when I was 27, and then I was still that person until my uncle went home to heaven when I was 32. I had a few years where I finally was not a caregiver for a few years, then the other half of me- my rock through it all my mom was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. It was back to the caregiver mode which is where I was until January of this year. Okay best synopsis of the background I could give without making it sound too wordy hope it worked.

I need to state there has never been a time since I have been 24 until now that I have regretted choosing to do what I did. It is who I am, it is just me. I think every family has a family member that has to make the choice to do what I did, and does it willingly, I am just the member of my family who had that choice and no regrets on that choice ever. I feel so blessed that I got the chance to tell my dad and my uncle everything that I ever wanted them to know and I had no regrets. My mom was and is my hero for life, and I would not have traded the moment that I got to take care of her after all the taking care of that she did.



Now to the part that you and my twitter family knows. January 18th started like any normal day, we had a family party the day before and my mom and I were going to a wake of one of her her best friends that Monday afternoon. She went downstairs to get dressed, I went upstairs to figure out what to wear and make the beds. I realized she was taking too long and went downstairs to the bathroom, and found out that my mom had been taking home to heaven, and I had no clue that it happened. God had taken her so peacefully and quickly, I did not hear a sound. I take comfort in knowing, and I always will that there was no chance she suffered and she did not have any pain.



My life since that moment has changed and will never ever be the same. I keep calling it the new kind of normal good bad or indifferent that is what it is, and just like you now find yourself having to do, everyday I find myself changing and evolving into someone who I hope every day my mom is proud of who I am becoming. There are days when this evolving is easier than others and some days when it is hard as hell. I just know what I keep saying, it was in God's plan for it to happen and to just trust him and whatever plan he has for me.



The biggest reason I wanted to write all this to you hopefully not boring you too much is because I do not remember a lot about that Monday or that week. I think I walked around in a fog, and I definitely know that Monday I was walking around in a fog still not sure about what just happened, and how it could have when my mom was doing so good, the cancer was not remission, but it was dormant, the tumor could not be removed, it was too close to her heart. Also to have her taking suddenly, not due to her cancer was totally not something I could comprehend that day. I felt the need in that fog to make sure my twitter family knew why I was not on so that no one worried so I called two friends. I don't remember a lot of what I said to them, I don't remember any of the phone calls I made that day. I do remember sitting with my family and them telling me I needed to eat so we were sitting in my dining room. I had just finished calling my twitter family, they asked permission if they could say what happened to me, and I told them they could. The very first DM that came to tell they were sorry was yours, your words were so sweet and kind, and I kept them with me that whole night. That week that I had to go through my moms wake and funeral, you made sure if you saw me those few minutes I would go on twitter at night, I called it therapy that week, you checked on me you asked how I was, and how I was holding up. You sent me DM's asking how I was and to remind me you were there. I will never forget the love and support that I got from my twitter family, my Jonathan and you. It was amazing to me, and so needed that week.



Lord, I feel so bad writing so much, but my feeling is if I am starting to say this all of it is coming out so hope you understand. I have to let you know one more thing you did not know until now. The week after my mom went home, I call that my therapy week, I called into your radio show first time that week, and the first time I had laughed and giggled since my mom went home was with you guys that night. You and the guys gave me a moment that I needed so much, you all were the beginning of my healing. My healing continued later that week when I went to Westbury for the coming home screening and I got to meet Jonathan for the first time, but the healing started on the radio that night, and I will never be able to thank you and the guys for that moment. I know you were just picking up my phone call, but for me that was beginning of a process that I am still going through and evolving every day.



Tonight, in a very wordy way and again I apologize for that, I write the same way that I talk, and if I have to get it out, I just have to say or write everything. I wanted to let you know that I so understood your blog from the moment I wrote it, go ahead and do your growing and evolving that you have to do, know that I am going to be doing my own still growing into my own new person every day. I will wait as long as you need me so that you feel that your music and career is going the way you need to go. I will never ever be leaving your side as a fan I promise, I will stand by you forever. All I have to remember is that you were the one who tried so hard to make sure I was okay during what so far has been the worst weeks of my life. It was you and the guys who helped me start to laugh and smile again, and you always make me smile with your sweet words that you tweet to me. Okay, I think I have to let you go, can hardly wait to tell you these words in person when I finally get to meet you in Boston on the 24th. Until then, honey do what you have to do take care of what you have to. Us girls know the truth, you are a beautiful special amazing man who is an incredible talent and we are not going anywhere I promise. Hope you are having a great night and enjoying your kids, they are what is most important always, but I know that you know that already. Mwah I love you sweetie pie.



Love you,

~~~~ Kelly ~~~~~ xoxo